Letter to Dana.

‘You cold?’ you asked me at dusk.

‘No.’ I was actually freezing. I was numb from the cold and I didn’t tell you. You already had so much. You know how i don’t like to trouble the close. I needed some time to put myself in order. It took me a while and I am not done yet… In the meantime you became happy, you found it. I still don’t know what that means myself, but you found it. Of course I wouldn’t ruin that for you after everything that you passed on… I couldn’t ruin the now you with who I still am. I want to find that something on my own, not tag along. I have to admit. I am worse that I was; but at that very moment you were a slice of hope.

I have to admit… I love my Ego more than anything, but you somehow managed to change that for a bit. Only you and only for you. Thank you, love. I have a long way up. But I am a mixture now; who/what I am, who I found myself to be and who I want to be. In all this process you are there like a shadow guiding me. I don’t have the guts to tell you everything because I don’t have the balls to admit it myself.  These 7 shots apologize for everything your mind wondered wrong about what is going on. I know I have been a bitch but  its who I am since I learned how to walk and talk… I apologize for how you felt but not for who I am… that you know I’ll never do. There are so many things that you don’t know but I am not ready to tell you. I know you love me and that’s why I ask you to forgive me for my wickedness towards you; let’s face it you are one of the three people I love on this Earth (one’s already dead)…

I should have said this long ago and sooner… but I had not the words… Little red wine here helps me now… I have more to say but all alcohol in the world can’t push me to write it… so…

 Babe… beer me, feed me and (please) love me. You are the Devil’s Bleeding Crown.

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Fjara.

I’ll never apologize for who I am, I’ll never fell sorry for who I’ve become and sure as Hell I’ll never be ashamed for how I behave. Nor now, not ever. Not when I look around me ans see this fucked up world with its people with their faux appearance.

I am going to breathe fire at anyone who tells me I shouldn’t be the way I am. I am living by my own code. I know what’s right and wrong; for me and by me. Many tell me I am uncommon and a lot more call me ‘psychopath’ (do you, people, know what what that even means?!). Some say I live in a world only for me and made from my own desires and others tell e I am too “on the ground” and live a little more.

I know I am wicked; I know what I do and only I know why I do things this way. For me there is no good or bad, regarding myself; it is about what I want to do and what I don’t want to. They call me a wayward for my beliefs, while some treasure the same gods as I. While my heart belongs to the north and my souls is of a Völva, my mind was forged in the depths of Hell for its rationality with a presence made from Osiris’ bones and Artemis’ eyes. I am the fusion of generations made by war and witchcraft.

If the Old Ways taught me anything in their most basic forms that is to be who I am and to embrace my “abominable” self.

May I drink with Loki tonight in my dreams and in the Great Hall later in the afterlife.

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