“The path to Hell is always paved with good intentions”.
He knew that. He learned it the hard way. If they only knew… they in fact surfaced his way back home. They didn’t know of the creature lurking inside of him. He knew he didn’t belong, but where on Earth he would go? Used, mocked and ashamed for mistakes he did not commit. The ones he did… were hunting him and always pinching him in the back of his head. He grew up wandering and wondering. All the women who passed by his bed never made him feel more than carnal pleasure. All the men who drank with never fulfilled more than his social needs. His mother used to tell him that there is something in store for everyone and that he is no exception… He smiled thinking it was the only time his mother was wrong.
He walked the streets imaging how it would have been if he lived in another era… Back in the days when there was no artificial mechanisms, when it became dark along with the nightfall. He wanted to believe in possibilities. If it was to meet someone, he wished that person would be as misguided as he was. He loved to walk the path of Ancestry. He wanted more than this world has to give. He liked to think that the Universe made a mistake, that he was born to late. Little did he knew he lived a thousand lives before this one. Cursed to roam forever in confusion in every life that he’d receive. cursed to search for his stone. The Stone that would give him meaning and purpose.
Along the axis of time he searched and searched. For years, centuries and epochs he struggled to find Something. The Something waited for entire eras for him to come back. His Embla waited for so long… on the other side. He was to return Home soon.
When he will be ready, he will go back to his life, to his Stone and to himself. Until then, the ride is full of soul. The stories that he’ll tell to his kin. The things he learned in order to be complete. What took her seven lifetimes to see, took him hundreds more to believe. But as he has few things he likes in this life…
The Show Must Go On.
She stared at the ceiling and from time to time she closed her eyes maybe she’ll fall asleep. No victory on that front. She sat now on her bed, crossed legs and head in her hands. She thought at the past days. She thought about today. A tear ran down her cheek as she realized what she has done. Soon enough a tear became two and an insatious cry rushed over her.
She couldn’t stop as she gave a thought to everything she did. It ripped her apart realizing that once more she threw it all away. She threw herself away. She never wanted this but something behind her screamed that it was the only way. She remembered the words her mother once told her… ‘Trust no one but yourself’. But what can she do now when of them all, the one who betrayed the most was herself. She made a promise to herself, she swore on her her father’s grave that she won’t do the same mistake again. Here she is, crying her lungs out, losing the count from the last time she said it would be the last. She began to feel like it was in her nature to break it all over again. Bits and pieces of the passed came to her mind making it hurt even more. She wanted to run, but this was the thing before she got here and before that and the list goes on and on.
She looked at the bottle on her desk. As her nerves started to tickle in the back of her head, she got up, still crying, took the bottle and opened it. She looked at it with more disgust than she ever felt before. She opened the window and threw the bottle as hard as she could. She took a deep breath as she heard the glass shattering on the cement, but that was only a small piece of what she wanted to leave behind and it only made it worse that she had to get to this point. She felt more helpless than ever. She never wished to turn back the time than in this moment. She felt as if she was again in the 9th grade. Wrath was the only emotion she felt for a while. Again she felt it. This time not at the world, not at the people around her like she used to – it was easier to pass the guilt elsewhere – but at herself as she realized the she was the only architect of her own destruction. Long ago, when she thought that she was taking the pain away she used to say that self destruction was such a pretty little thing… she used to be the one telling herself that the only person that she needs is herself, that she wouldn’t trade her believes for anyone. Oh, how wrong she was. And this hit the hardest. The fact that she wasn’t her facade, the one she built from that dark day of June… it hit. And it was a decisive move.
It made her feel everything at once and then nothing at all. She stared at her reflection in the window and felt nothing. She didn’t know which one was worse. Everything or nothing. She thought of how she could fix things. Until now she was successful into making it ‘right’ one way or another. This time was different. This time she knew that even a deal with the devil wouldn’t mask the truth that scratched her spine. And it felt like claws. She laid herself on the bed trying to shove the thoughts away only for one quite moment. It wasn’t the case as the sun started to pierce through her curtains. A new day was there, but unfortunately not a new life and certainly not a new her. She had to face it all over again today.