Fuck me and my mistakes. Fuck you. Fuck him. Fuck her. Fuck him especially. Fuck all of you. Fuck my belief that it might get better. Fuck my way of holding on. Fuck all of the people who don’t like me. Fuck that bitch. Fuck the one who fucks her. Fuck that city. Fuck that city, too. Fuck your friends. Fuck what we used to be. Fuck college. Fuck those songs. Fuck the past. Fuck the games. Fuck your lies. Fuck those fake people. Fuck your opinion. Fuck that nonsense. Fuck your morals. Fuck your attitude. Fuck your weaknesses. Fuck your promises. Fuck your admiration. Fuck love. Fuck hope. Fuck my ideas. Fuck my dream. Fuck your world. Fuck their society. Fuck that damn smile. Fuck those eyes. Fuck your face. Fuck those fancy clothes. Fuck his money. Fuck her skills. Fuck his talent. Fuck the so called blood. Fuck their pride. Fuck your name. Fuck this damn world.
‘You cold?’ you asked me at dusk.
‘No.’ I was actually freezing. I was numb from the cold and I didn’t tell you. You already had so much. You know how i don’t like to trouble the close. I needed some time to put myself in order. It took me a while and I am not done yet… In the meantime you became happy, you found it. I still don’t know what that means myself, but you found it. Of course I wouldn’t ruin that for you after everything that you passed on… I couldn’t ruin the now you with who I still am. I want to find that something on my own, not tag along. I have to admit. I am worse that I was; but at that very moment you were a slice of hope.
I have to admit… I love my Ego more than anything, but you somehow managed to change that for a bit. Only you and only for you. Thank you, love. I have a long way up. But I am a mixture now; who/what I am, who I found myself to be and who I want to be. In all this process you are there like a shadow guiding me. I don’t have the guts to tell you everything because I don’t have the balls to admit it myself. These 7 shots apologize for everything your mind wondered wrong about what is going on. I know I have been a bitch but its who I am since I learned how to walk and talk… I apologize for how you felt but not for who I am… that you know I’ll never do. There are so many things that you don’t know but I am not ready to tell you. I know you love me and that’s why I ask you to forgive me for my wickedness towards you; let’s face it you are one of the three people I love on this Earth (one’s already dead)…
I should have said this long ago and sooner… but I had not the words… Little red wine here helps me now… I have more to say but all alcohol in the world can’t push me to write it… so…
Babe… beer me, feed me and (please) love me. You are the Devil’s Bleeding Crown.
Do these moments even evolve somehow or I sit here waiting for another stump to crash? I can see the snake eating itself in the same tremendous cycle… Every day, every week, every month and so on and so forth. To keep dreaming, to be daring… what for?! But if you do it… how do you do it? When do you do it? Do you just say “Fuck it. This ain’t for me.” Oh, mate… I wish I could. Compromise… that costs. It costs a lot of money, even more than the cost of a fucked up mind. Don’t you ever say “this is it” but then back down because you have no idea what’s next?! And how do you take/make the next?!
Between beers, cigarettes, a party there, a book read here… what the hell is this? Life? Hahah… funny. Not. Most of us used to watch films or TV series and thinking “Mate, college rocks. I can’t wait.” That happening somewhere in the seventh grade and then in high school we couldn’t wait to get out of there. Now we realize that college is that place where you are broke, barely alive from all-nighters spent either studying something that won’t be a priority in a “career” or drinking our brains of, a group of friends just as fucked up as us, no prince charming or a needy princess… just lectures that don’t make any sense and exam after exam… well… Fuck!
This was just my mind bursting after 48 hours of not sleeping, reminding myself that I have this thing called blog and the urge to bug other people than my roommates.Don’t you sympathize?!
“Beer you later, Bastards!”
On the 7th day, I go again. I go on with a game.
I am a woman. I am young. I am power. I am a wanderer. I am a collector. I am ephemeral. I am a reader. I am a writer. I am an Old Spirit. I am a player. I am the dissident. I am eternal. I am follower of the old ways. I am a smoker. I am a lover. I am a Faustian mind. I am a heart shaped box. I am sanguine. I am an addict for music, art, coffee, history, mystery. I am my weaknesses. I am bloody. I am a dark mind. I am a creator. I am a demon. I am a traveler. I am a destroyer. I am an escapist. I am a dreamer. I am a paradox. I am a hunter for pleasure. I am a visionary. I am negative. I am The Game. I am the Seven Sins combined. I am so much more.
I am everything in between who I was and who I will become. I am everything I want to be in this very moment. I am the perfect of the Imperfect.
For this is something I wanted to do for some time now… the start of a new era for me, something in my favors. Light and Dark. Fire and Ice. My Soul and my Mind. The Pages and the Ink. Everything my mind sees and creates is going to be impregnated on pages. I get inspired from everything surrounding me… animals, humans, elements, objects, space and time, life…
Enjoy your time, Bastards!